Sooo school has started. and it feels so sian. everyone is having their holidays now except me =(((( Our break is just too short =/

anyway ive been feeling quite sian these few days. in fact i feel more sian than i felt when i just started school. it seems as though something is missing in my life but i dunno wad. i dun really know how to say it so i will just write wad comes to my mind here. the feeling is so annoying, like ther is something wrong but u dunno wad it is. alright.

after the timbre session, i found myself thinking abit. wad i feel towards others may not be wad others feel towards me. i know that i place alot of faith in friendship. im not close to my family, and frens are so impt to me. However the years have shown me that friendships are not everlasting. my best fren in secondary school cheated my money. apparently while i still look at him as a good fren, the action was not reciprocated in kind. it is really troubling to me.

alright so the thing now is perhaps i give ppl too much credit than i should. take this new fren i made at the beginning of the year for example. although i felt mistreated, i still tolerated it till the day he took it too far. And well, now i have a permanent dislike of that person. And then the timbre day. well, i enjoyed myself. but after a while i start to wonder if the rest felt the same. 2 ppl were on the verge of breaking up at that time. 1 person did not like the crowd but didnt say anything. the couples were .... well, lets just put it as "talking" to each other. its like suddenly u realize that u are alone there, the only one laughing at ur own jokes. when u talk, u are just entertaining urself. the other ppl, although they laugh at with you, are actually feeling troubled or at the very least, not as happy as they could be if i wasnt there. etc, i want to hang out with this fren and he or she claims the same too but in TRUTH, they want to hang out with their bf gf. I dunno bout you but it feels like im enjoying myself at the expense of everyone else.

and so when i think like this, it makes everything seem like its not worth it. suddenly friendship is so shallow. It is as if i have bee lying to myself this whole time. y should i treat u so nice when u dun treat me the same? they say to treat others the way u wan others to treat u. but if they dun treat u the same then how? y shld i trust u with my secrets when u dun trust me with yours? y do i always think that ppl are naturally nice, when they actually wan to take advantage of u? i wonder... i really wonder..